Defeat is Temporary Glory is Forever Pt 2

I can't believe its been so long since the last post and  now I've only got one days access to a computer before i go to Christchurch, to visit my sister and family. So I stress that this an impromptu post, and not sure if this will turn into a train wreck.The story about losing access to my computer is a whole other post. Seriously, if I hadn't been in the midst of a cancer battle, I wouldn't believe that you could even write this scenario.
Anyway, I had a framework in mind for how this post was to be written, as is with everything i write, I write a draft in my head and edit and re-edit until I am somewhat satisfied, then change it all as I type it. The main reason for this is typing with one finger(my ring finger if it was on my right hand) is cumbersome and time consuming, which leaves many opportunities to be led astray on tangents of ill disciplined whimsy, leaving my mind and loyal trigger finger to try and reign all this in, and rearrange these bewildered rantings into a semi-coherent pattern of words. I swear it is truly  like trying to learn a song, you've heard a few times but can't really remember the melody, you are able to string a few phrases together but get the sense they arent really right and the context you are putting them has turned this innocent vibrant young woman of a song. into a hairy, heavy set pre-op trans gender person, with quite a distinct odour, type of song. Now both songs are valid and beautiful to me but for reasons that very different.
 Like earlier stated I start my process,with  a theme or event thats been stumbled upon, such as my cancer, (which I get final results of my remmission tomorrow), and lives with me for a stretch of time, marinating or mutating until motive and opportunity align, this where I am ready to write and their is a computer to write it all on. However and whatever transpires from all this, from that first thought, through its evolution and then into its final incarnation, there will have been many minor defeats, reevaluations and struggles of concious over my audacity to speak on certain things, but my same pillars of reason still stand, just write, guided by what I feel I need to say, You find you keeping writing about the same themes, just make your stories better, the ensuing glory may or may not come in two ways, tangibly, your skills improve in articulating your words into a very arty, entertaining and  with powerful influence, for all those read your work, where glory manifests itself in popularity or money,etc. Secondly, intangibly. where the message is the star and glory manifests itself in accomplishment of dexterity, and further pursuit of skill not for money but in happiness of doing the work, being a craftsperson in your chosen discipline, then possibly giving it up if you need to and begininng all over again.This creates an environment of glory and freedom.
 See, Life does not always offer you the opportunity to fight for your life. Most acknowledge that there will be an eventual end but not they may not have a say in their ability to stay. The majority of people find death as the first symptom for them, and others are warned constantly but refuse to change and lastly there are those who fight to earn the right to stay. You dont have to be old to realise life is finite, tragedy lets us know regularly but true understanding of our mortality, can free us from self-imposed exile that happiness is  something to attain in the future, but it truly is the ability to find happiness in your moments, which stems from setting your life up to be prepared for opportunities for glory. Writing is my example but personally i dont know why so many people dont like the question of happiness, because I just want to live a glorious life built on my intentions in combination with physical and mental action and determination to realise it.

Defeat is Temporary, Glory is Forever Pt 1

Looking at the title, it may seem a little bombastic, or it may be just what it looks another nauseating self indulgent quotation springing forth from the font of  positivity  but considering its been a year since the last post, an explanation is the least i can offer for such a lapse in contact.
Now as a family we acknowledge this period of the year as mid year or the beginning of the 3rd Quarter, and celebrate our new year alongside Matariki (Maori New Year-June), which is a month long celebration. This is a period of time that seems more natural to harvest in the 4th Quarter so tie up loose ends, enjoy accomplishments for the year but most importantly to gather, share the bountiful harvest, of community, old stories, old ways, to be immortalized for the year. 
So as you can see, this isnt a new years resurgence of energy, a glimpse of enlightenment, or mid life catharsis,  catapulting my aspirations of authorship back to the forefront of my mind, maybe it is in some way to compensate for my prolonged absence. Let me think a second, na Far from it, I am sick guy, an ordinary guy who like many people around the world,who  live a slow and somewhat isolated and at times a very awkward existence, but under that simple public phasad, resides a family who i can honestly attest to has experienced the best year on record but personally, I would endure physical deterioration, separation from my family for supervised home care, as i was deemed incapable to care for myself , diagnosed with Leukemia (blood cancer) and with wonderful turn in events neurologists discovered a cyst running the entire length of spinal cord jammed in there together, while the Hematologists had me on a MRI to see if the cancer had spread to the brain. Luckily for me it didn't spread but a lesion on my liver was discovered to make sure i wasn't feeling left out. So this became the game plan, cure cancer then cure MND. No Problem, It just took away my access to the internet and ability to concoct my self indulgent views, and to be honest it was too sensitive to share, until now.
But at this particular juncture for me it has been a time of quiet reflection and of sincere gratitude for the gift of living afforded me, which in my eyes is very different to the gift of life which offers all realms of possibility but my gift is to continue my life.  I am living my life simply but fully, laughing, creating, loving til it seems my heart will burst, and crying too, tears of humility and empathy for my fellow souls in turmoil because I know that feeling all too well. I am living a life blessed .

2010: A new Odyssey

I hope this is the rebirth of more posts to document this wonderful journey we have been experiencing.  We've picked up our niece & are northward bound tomorrow morning. Three hours give or take & we should be there. We are all looking forward to it, even though it's only been 2 weeks since we were there for Xmas & New Years. This trip is to take our niece & the kids, do some odd jobs for the marae & finish the years game plan (supposed to have done between Xmas eve & Jan 1st). Zacha & I, did an empowerment workshop just before Xmas & have been working through many emotions & past experiences.  It's been very difficult at times but ultimately has been great for our relationship. On that note, it seems that the strength to weather difficult times bears reward through building patience & character, virtues often under rated. These abilities give us the strength to deal with the unpleasant, understand it, process it & deal with the issue properly so that it does not fester & block the ability to grow.

Sorry for my absence but wonderful things have happened

Like the title suggests, my sincere apologies for my absence but in the time I have been away, much has changed, actually, that doesn't even come close to describing, what has been for my relationship with my beloved wife and children, a quantum leap.
Much time and effort has been dedicated to focusing our energy into manifesting our dreams, and slowly but surely, exciting progress has been made, but more profoundly, a synergy has occurred, that is propelling us rapidly towards our destiny.
At times it seems all a bit too much to take in, and the enormity of it all sometimes blurs our vision and momentarily distracts us from enjoying and celebrating the journey. However, Zacha and I, are performing on a level, we have never experienced before and the direct benefits from this, has seen an evolution not only in our marriage but on an individual level that is opening up new frontiers in our existence, giving us access to perspectives and wisdom, previously untapped. This in turn, has rejuvenated our view on eachother, proving even after all this time, I never tire of learning more about her.

Laz 

Poetry, B.A.D, Comedy, My G'tar, Migraines, A Maori Girl and Me.

I'm a fervent believer in adversity being the sculptor of character and to that end, feel to the soul of me, that my current incarnation is due to the challenges, blessed upon me. I was 19, when my life took a tangent, that was not only unexpected but in the coming years defined, not only my outlook on life but the way I would live it.
At 19, I was enjoying the usual excesses, drinking, partying, and all the other deviant vices, that come with the testosterone fueled desires of a manchild, with newly found freedoms. Even though I'd been  living away from home for a couple of years,  the facade of independence and self reliance always sat in a fragile balance, and I was frequently reminded that, I was not the playboy bachelor, I perceived myself to be, when showing up on my parents doorstep, hands out, a defeated prodigal son.
This is the exact situation, I found myself in, when, this "Man", needed his Mum. I had been suffering from a migraine, that, just wouldn't subside, so, after 2 days, I got one of my flatmates, to call "My Mum".  What happened next was a blur, suddenly, I was in an operating theatre and then for the next 9 months, I was recovering from this procedure, which I had barely survived and had left my body, literally smashed and depleted.
You'd think, that this would be enough of a sign, to examine my life and do what I could to rebuild it. That's what someone, who respects life and those around them, who has had to witness, this descent. I, on the other hand, was belligerent, selfish and most horrifying, indifferent.  The sum of my 20's, was dedicated to fulfilling my self-proclaimed prophecy,  of not reaching 30. I struggled with, a body and mind, riddled with decay, fear and loathing, numbing my existence, with prescription and recreational drugs, washed down with  liquor and defiance. I was searching for meaning and some peace but I  slowly spiraled  into self-imposed exile.
Now, I don't want to paint a picture, solely,  smeared with desolation, self-loathing and loneliness, 
because that's not the case, it's just that any glimmer of happiness, enjoyment or improvement was punctuated by Migraine. It just seemed inescapable, my days were lived out under this ruthless dictatorship, that had every detail of my life under scrutiny, such as, my 4 hour rule(or the 4th Parallel), which through trial and error, I discovered was my most vulnerable period of the day. After waking up, these 4 hours determined, the rest of my day, as any number of things could trigger a migraine, from reading, too much physical activity, eating the wrong food or drink, it started to really contort my perceptions and was creating an O.C.D style hypochondriac.
After too long, I finally realised I couldn't stand that existence, any longer, I  decided to will myself better, and went cold turkey and began to purge my mind and body of  the years of desecration.  My first aid kit, comprised of a pad and pen, my g'tar, stand-up comedy videos and my secret elixir, a beautiful Maori girl, who in later years, became my wife.
So, this became my regime, as the 4hr rule still applied, I didn't eat, I just drank water and watched anything funny, particularly, stand-up. The idea was to bombard my system with comedy. Basically, laugh myself, well. After the 4th parallel, I would write out my poetry/hip-hop verses,( because of the 4th Parallel, I wrote everything in my head). This was a way to focus my thoughts and expand the way I viewed the world, and after assuming an alias, it became my primary writing voice, Laz Kane.
Next, was my beloved G'tar, which I held above all others. Through this medium, I felt most alive and in this, it reflected most closely, what my soul could be, at it's best. I don't really consider myself, a singer, but playing and singing, really, was a super high, only surpassed, by my beautiful Maori girl, who, honestly, I would not still be around. This is so much more important now, as B.A.D has claimed the use of my hands and I can no longer play, my G'tar, but it doesn't phase me these days. I'm not the same guy, I was, in fact, I feel brand new.

Turning of the Tide.

It's been a very tumultuos ride over the last couple of weeks and in retrospect has offered many opportunities for my family and i to test our metal. We've learned how precious time is, and that priorities need to be identified and a plan of attack engaged immediately, if regret is to be avoided. Other than that, feeling the family unite has been a very special experience, on Friday evening, members of our family traveled(some a great distance) to be together, recount our memories of Grandma and discuss plan of returning to Tonga in a years time for the unveiling of her headstone. Another thing, that was unexpected but very touching, was my dad suggesting that we go to Tonga anyway, just to say our goodbye in person and go back next year as a way to bond with our other family members.
Our recent experiences have also taught us valuable lessons about adapting to the environment, trying not to be too rigid when dealing with plans, our kids and especially with other people. We've adapted plans that were intended to catapult us to Tonga, into a longer range one to incorporate other family members to fund a mass pilgrimage. Other plans are staying the course, but their end has changed to meet different needs.
I find this probably as good a time as any to, wind down this phase of these posts, regarding Tonga and our quest to get there. We have resolved ourselves to the fact that we as many of our family were not destined to send her off but understand that our efforts were thwarted by time and not our lack of love or trying, so i feel
at ease, to that end.
The upcoming posts, will be more on my physical condition and how i will be doing my best to restore my health. I feel that the tide has turned and that many things i had assumed constant and unchanging are in for a fright. 
Laz

Bye Grandma

Around 5am (Tongan time) My Grandma passed away. Our thoughts & prayers go out to all who are in Tonga with her & those members of our family abroad who cannot be there in this time of mourning. We love you & will miss you Grandma.