Poetry, B.A.D, Comedy, My G'tar, Migraines, A Maori Girl and Me.

I'm a fervent believer in adversity being the sculptor of character and to that end, feel to the soul of me, that my current incarnation is due to the challenges, blessed upon me. I was 19, when my life took a tangent, that was not only unexpected but in the coming years defined, not only my outlook on life but the way I would live it.
At 19, I was enjoying the usual excesses, drinking, partying, and all the other deviant vices, that come with the testosterone fueled desires of a manchild, with newly found freedoms. Even though I'd been  living away from home for a couple of years,  the facade of independence and self reliance always sat in a fragile balance, and I was frequently reminded that, I was not the playboy bachelor, I perceived myself to be, when showing up on my parents doorstep, hands out, a defeated prodigal son.
This is the exact situation, I found myself in, when, this "Man", needed his Mum. I had been suffering from a migraine, that, just wouldn't subside, so, after 2 days, I got one of my flatmates, to call "My Mum".  What happened next was a blur, suddenly, I was in an operating theatre and then for the next 9 months, I was recovering from this procedure, which I had barely survived and had left my body, literally smashed and depleted.
You'd think, that this would be enough of a sign, to examine my life and do what I could to rebuild it. That's what someone, who respects life and those around them, who has had to witness, this descent. I, on the other hand, was belligerent, selfish and most horrifying, indifferent.  The sum of my 20's, was dedicated to fulfilling my self-proclaimed prophecy,  of not reaching 30. I struggled with, a body and mind, riddled with decay, fear and loathing, numbing my existence, with prescription and recreational drugs, washed down with  liquor and defiance. I was searching for meaning and some peace but I  slowly spiraled  into self-imposed exile.
Now, I don't want to paint a picture, solely,  smeared with desolation, self-loathing and loneliness, 
because that's not the case, it's just that any glimmer of happiness, enjoyment or improvement was punctuated by Migraine. It just seemed inescapable, my days were lived out under this ruthless dictatorship, that had every detail of my life under scrutiny, such as, my 4 hour rule(or the 4th Parallel), which through trial and error, I discovered was my most vulnerable period of the day. After waking up, these 4 hours determined, the rest of my day, as any number of things could trigger a migraine, from reading, too much physical activity, eating the wrong food or drink, it started to really contort my perceptions and was creating an O.C.D style hypochondriac.
After too long, I finally realised I couldn't stand that existence, any longer, I  decided to will myself better, and went cold turkey and began to purge my mind and body of  the years of desecration.  My first aid kit, comprised of a pad and pen, my g'tar, stand-up comedy videos and my secret elixir, a beautiful Maori girl, who in later years, became my wife.
So, this became my regime, as the 4hr rule still applied, I didn't eat, I just drank water and watched anything funny, particularly, stand-up. The idea was to bombard my system with comedy. Basically, laugh myself, well. After the 4th parallel, I would write out my poetry/hip-hop verses,( because of the 4th Parallel, I wrote everything in my head). This was a way to focus my thoughts and expand the way I viewed the world, and after assuming an alias, it became my primary writing voice, Laz Kane.
Next, was my beloved G'tar, which I held above all others. Through this medium, I felt most alive and in this, it reflected most closely, what my soul could be, at it's best. I don't really consider myself, a singer, but playing and singing, really, was a super high, only surpassed, by my beautiful Maori girl, who, honestly, I would not still be around. This is so much more important now, as B.A.D has claimed the use of my hands and I can no longer play, my G'tar, but it doesn't phase me these days. I'm not the same guy, I was, in fact, I feel brand new.

Turning of the Tide.

It's been a very tumultuos ride over the last couple of weeks and in retrospect has offered many opportunities for my family and i to test our metal. We've learned how precious time is, and that priorities need to be identified and a plan of attack engaged immediately, if regret is to be avoided. Other than that, feeling the family unite has been a very special experience, on Friday evening, members of our family traveled(some a great distance) to be together, recount our memories of Grandma and discuss plan of returning to Tonga in a years time for the unveiling of her headstone. Another thing, that was unexpected but very touching, was my dad suggesting that we go to Tonga anyway, just to say our goodbye in person and go back next year as a way to bond with our other family members.
Our recent experiences have also taught us valuable lessons about adapting to the environment, trying not to be too rigid when dealing with plans, our kids and especially with other people. We've adapted plans that were intended to catapult us to Tonga, into a longer range one to incorporate other family members to fund a mass pilgrimage. Other plans are staying the course, but their end has changed to meet different needs.
I find this probably as good a time as any to, wind down this phase of these posts, regarding Tonga and our quest to get there. We have resolved ourselves to the fact that we as many of our family were not destined to send her off but understand that our efforts were thwarted by time and not our lack of love or trying, so i feel
at ease, to that end.
The upcoming posts, will be more on my physical condition and how i will be doing my best to restore my health. I feel that the tide has turned and that many things i had assumed constant and unchanging are in for a fright. 
Laz

Bye Grandma

Around 5am (Tongan time) My Grandma passed away. Our thoughts & prayers go out to all who are in Tonga with her & those members of our family abroad who cannot be there in this time of mourning. We love you & will miss you Grandma.

One Step Closer

Our plans are slowly but steadily moving towards being realised, we've been doing as much as we can to organise all our gear together for the first of our 2 fundraisers. It's been quite an unexpected emotional experience, not because of any attachment to our stuff but as my wife & I talk while we're doing things, we both have been bringing up, how great it is to be back home, our kids who are in outright bliss since getting back to their friends & playcentre & the overall show of support for us since being back.
We had both honestly thought, we were going to get back & get on with it, we are, but because there is so much to be done, just while we wait for the passports to be processed, let alone, the actual trip itself, we both decided to take a deep breath, realign the chakras & make the choice that this is going to be a wonderful & fun experience, partly so we can stay aware of what is going on around us & hopefully cover eachother, when one might miss something, but more importantly the implications for our kids. However the next few months turns out, great, terrible or by the skin of our gritted teeth, the kids, hit the jackpot, what exactly they win, is still undetermined but my bet is on something extraordinary.
So, our next step is the garage sale on saturday, & then we are driving out to the beach near our marae. It's a great place for inspiration & a way, we hope to invite more wonderful times into our lives.
Laz

Learning How To Control Your Universe.

Read any definition of control, & you'll find terms like Power or authority to check or restrain; & restraining or regulating influence, to explain the concept of control. 

For me, Control is a very strange concept because depending on the context & one's perspective of what it means to have it, it can change quite a great deal. 

Basically, as I see it, the larger the context, the less control you wield but the paradox I seem to notice in life, is that even in environments that you think you have taken out all the variables, something unexpected can happen.

Have you ever been taken so off-guard by something because your life always takes precedence over everything else? Then found that your response to it,  surprises you more?
Last Monday, a 3min phone call did that to me, and showed me that my perceived loss of control created the opportunity for me to relinquish my notions of control & consider the gravity of someone else's  situation before my own. That 3min phone call was the news that my 93 yr old maternal grandmother is gravely ill & that my mother & other members of my family were flying out on the next available flights. Our decision was quick & decisive, We're Going!
What has happened since, has been humbling but has also reinvigorated me & speaks to the philosophy at the heart of this blog. We are packing our essentials, we have given notice to the landlord, selling everything else & donating whatever we can't sell. We have seen this as an opportunity to fund our travel but more importantly a way to purge our possessions & on our return,  rebuild our lives, the way we want it,  from the ground up.
This action may sound rash, silly & even foolish but the context is very clear, money & time are the only challenges  hindering us from us being with our grandmother & our kids great grandmother, i can't do anything about time but i do have the ability to do something about the other. To accomplish this challenge, I have many personal motivations, but the predominant one comes from the pain of regret I feel,  regarding my beloved Paternal Grandparents,  Maternal Grandfather & my Uncle Fau'ese, where I hadn't been present to send off those, who were so very dear to me, who loved me more than I probably deserve & I find myself, sickened & ashamed, to have not honored & celebrated their lives, one last time.
I have promised myself that my trivial excuses, such as money, my own self-preoccupation, & procrastination will never define me again. 
So, In response to this resolution, I have been soul-searching, in order to understand the reasoning behind my actions. Besides, the obvious selfishness, it is still mostly a mystery to me but what I can gather is that in my time on the planet thus far, I've learnt that in my life, like in my marriage, I don't know much of anything and that in the scheme of things, I don't really get a say in much that really goes on & that things will happen, regardless of whether or not I understand why or how they happen.
What I have been able to click to, is that life gives you the opportunity to master the appropriate parts of your universe, not by controlling it but by embracing the role you have in it, by being aware that the excitement of life comes from participating without agenda & the feeling of living your life fully comes from a departure from being the center of your universe & happily experiencing it unfold, despite the fact, it's not on your terms. Laz

Quick Update

Once again apologies are in order, since I wrote last, my world has been in warp speed & I have not had web access. So I'm giving a preview of a more comprehensive update which will i will write later.
Firstly, Mum is doing great after surgery, she will be back at work in a couple of weeks & we will be heading home.  In another turn of events my maternal Grandmother is gravely ill & family has been flying back to Tonga to be with her, & thats what my family & I are intending,  we are packing up the house & hoping to be there first week of October.
Now, there are a few other things but these are most important.
Be back soon. Laz